The Lie We Bought
For decades, women have been told that we can “have it all.”
The phrase was meant to be empowering — a rallying cry for equal opportunity in the workplace and autonomy at home. It promised we could pursue our dream careers, raise well-adjusted children, maintain loving partnerships, keep a Pinterest-perfect home, stay fit, and still find time for hobbies and self-care.
Pull Quote: “Having it all” has become less about liberation and more about exhaustion, guilt, and comparison.
Yet in 2025, despite decades of progress, countless women are still burned out. Why? The answer lies in the origin of the phrase, the persistent inequities at home and work, and the capitalist systems that profit from our exhaustion.
Where the Phrase Came From — and Why It’s Flawed
The concept of “having it all” gained traction in the late 20th century, particularly during the 1980s alongside second-wave feminism’s advances in workplace rights and education.
Magazines like Cosmopolitan glamorized women with briefcases in one hand and toddlers in the other. TV shows offered the same: perfectly styled working mothers who juggled career and home without breaking a sweat.
It was an aspirational ideal rooted in privilege, yet sold as a universal goal.
But the imagery was overwhelmingly white, middle-to-upper class, and heterosexual. These women often had access to resources most could never afford — childcare, cleaning services, flexible schedules. For women of color, working-class women, queer women, and disabled women, the concept was not just unrealistic — it was alien.
The fatal flaw? “Having it all” assumed all women had the same starting points, opportunities, and desires.
The Invisible Labor Problem
Even for women in high-powered careers, balance is undermined by one enduring truth: women still do most of the unpaid labor at home.
A 2022 Pew Research Center study found women spend 60% more time on unpaid domestic work than men — even in dual-income households.
The Mental Load
This is the invisible management of life: school schedules, grocery lists, doctor’s appointments, remembering who’s allergic to peanuts. It’s a tab in the mind that never closes.
Emotional Labor
Emotional labor is managing not only your own feelings but also everyone else’s. At work, it might mean being the one to organize birthdays or smooth over tensions. At home, it means anticipating needs before they’re voiced.
When you add emotional labor to paid work and domestic chores, it’s no wonder so many women are drowning.
The Social Media Trap
Social media has modernized the “having it all” myth into a 24/7 highlight reel. Instagram’s momfluencers make balance look effortless — green smoothies, podcasts, smiling toddlers, spotless homes.
What’s cropped out? The nannies, the cleaners, the meltdowns.
The algorithm thrives on comparison. And when we feel inadequate, we’re encouraged to buy — planners, apps, meal kits — as if burnout is a problem we can solve with the right purchase.
The Capitalism Connection
“Having it all” is capitalism’s golden goose. Convince women they should do it all, then sell them the tools to make it possible.
At work, capitalism rewards overwork and measures worth in productivity. At home, capitalism markets the cure — skincare, vacations, subscription boxes — without addressing the cause.
No planner or protein powder can close the pay gap or make childcare affordable.
The truth: women’s exhaustion is profitable. That’s why the system doesn’t change.
Intersectionality and the Uneven Playing Field
The myth doesn’t hit all women equally.
- Women of Color: Navigate both gendered and racialized expectations.
- Working-Class Women: Often can’t outsource domestic labor at all.
- Single Mothers: Are expected to “have it all” without a co-parent.
- Disabled Women: Face barriers that make the juggling act even harder.
Ignoring these realities lets the myth go unchallenged.
Why We Still Cling to the Ideal
Why, if it’s harmful, do we still chase it?
Partly hope. The idea suggests we can have it all without compromise. Letting go feels like giving up.
There’s also conditioning. Girls are praised for multitasking, helping, perfecting. Walking away from the ideal means challenging not just social norms but our own identity.
Rethinking Success
What if balance isn’t the goal? What if alignment is?
Instead of dividing time evenly between career and home, we can focus on making sure our time reflects our values. That might mean fewer hours at work, skipping nonessential chores, or carving out guilt-free rest.
Practical Steps for Letting Go of the Myth
- Redefine “All.” Make it personal, not universal.
- Delegate. Share the load — at home and at work.
- Set Boundaries. Protect your time from unnecessary asks.
- Edit Your Feed. Follow accounts that show unfiltered realities.
- Push for Change. Support paid leave, affordable childcare, and flexible work laws.
Having What Matters
The real revolution isn’t in “having it all” — it’s in having what matters.
True empowerment comes from dismantling the systems that demand the impossible.
We can step away from the myth and build lives defined by our own values, not someone else’s impossible checklist.
Join our Feminist Community
We have a wide network of inspirational like-minded women that you can connect with. Join us on substack.
